Birds of a feather
What does it mean when your style mirrors your friends'? Exploring friend group aesthetics
If you’re a new subscriber, hi! Spilled Milk is a newsletter that covers fashion and culture topics I haven’t had the chance to explore in-depth for the publications I’ve written for. It’s also a space for unapproved pitches to find a second life. Past topics have included the iconic 2008 coffee table book Influence by the Olsen twins, defending The Real Housewives of New York, PFW, and fantasizing about ultherapy in the metro. Expect weekly essays, reports, and curated links on modern living.
This week, we’re exploring what it means when you and your friends start dressing alike, which includes conversations with a few of my own friends.
If you were on Tumblr in the 2010s, then there is a high chance that you probably reposted this famous quote from Chuck Palahniuk’s Invisible Monsters: “Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.”
The quote, which I had not thought about in years, came to me one morning when I found myself watching a series of Instagram Stories of a friend group whose outfits were starting to blur together. Last month, it was their silhouettes that looked eerily alike; this month, it was a specific way of styling a clothing item. (I’d love to be more specific but I’m being vague to avoid giving away too much.)
I’ll admit, my first reaction was to judge them. But then I realized that this reaction came from recognizing a few acquaintances within that group who were suddenly taking on a personality I wasn’t sure was theirs in the first place. It’s similar to the experience of seeing someone walk past you on the street, decked in a number of trends at once, and you know, deep in your bones, that they’re on #FashionTok. However, I started reflecting on my own friend groups, and how I had also bonded with certain friends over a shared love for a designer or a collection. Could the saying “you are who you hang out with“ be true? Also, aren’t we allowed to experiment and stray from our usual ways of dressing?
A sense of belonging
It goes without saying that shared obsessions bring people together. You might be a huge fan of Jonathan Anderson’s work, for example, and collecting a piece from either J.W. Anderson (like his new loafer bag I’m growing fond of) or Loewe can feel like unlocking a deeper part of your identity. When you meet someone who shares the same obsession, there’s an instant sense of belonging. You feel seen. You exchange compliments, varying in superficiality, that create a strong bond. Humanity feels like it is restored for a few minutes.
A friend pointed out that at least in her experience, dressing similar to friends was more apparent in high school. After all, it is a stage of self-discovery, of identifying with certain groups and cliques. Spoiler alert: This still happens a little later in life. Take The Cut’s recent feature on the girls of the West Village, who are a far cry from the neighborhood’s former residents like Marc Jacobs or Patti Smith. The piece reads: “‘There’s a cult mentality’ to the neighborhood… It’s true that many of the young women passing by the bar looked like clones. They move through the neighborhood in packs, wearing the local uniform: a white tank, light-wash jeans, and Sambas, an iced matcha latte in hand, and hair slicked back into a tight ponytail.“ Later in the article, the journalist writes, “‘Basic isn’t a bad thing,’ a crew of Cosmo drinkers at Anton’s, just down the street, elaborated. “‘There’s a reason everyone wants to be like that.’“
Internal vs. external validation
While there is nothing wrong with sharing an appreciation for the same designers or aesthetics (and interpreting them in your own way—we’ll get to that in the last section), things get murky when people copy-paste. This was my main issue with that friend group whose IG Stories I had binge-watched—they seemed to be copy-pasting to oblivion. The result looked more like a performance than a true expression of self.
“One of my favorite classes during my master’s in France was on consumer behavior,” a friend shared when I asked about this. “We learned that what we wear can be driven by internal vs. external validation. Internal validation is when owning or wearing something feels affirming—you confirm to yourself that you’re part of a certain group, that you’re in-the-know. External validation is when you use that same fashion item as a signal to others: ‘I know what you know. I have the same taste or personality. I’m just like you,’” he added.
Another friend pointed out how Paris is a city of signals and invisible codes. “The minute it becomes colder, almost everyone in the streets and in the metro is in head‑to‑toe black. As soon as spring comes, people dare to experiment a bit more,“ he shared. Ask anyone who’s lived here—compared to cities like New York or London, Parisians tend to dress more cautiously. With the exception of people working in the fashion industry, most Parisians favor a classic look. On one hand, they usually look put-together; it’s refreshing that trends don’t dictate their wardrobes. On the other hand, it can be a bit suffocating if you grew up learning to care about the rules. (As a foreigner, I feel exempt from this code, but I’ll admit that during my first year here, all I wanted to do was blend in.) After all, this is a city where etiquette matters: failing to say bonjour upon entering a store can already be considered rude.
Ultimately, I come back to the first point of this section, that the problem comes when you replicate/copy-paste what’s trendy in your friend groups without asking yourself if it’s something you actually like. It’s important to try new things, but also to question. I remember being invited for coffee by an acquaintance a few years ago, with “look cute!” added in the end, presumably for the sake of her Instagram feed. My close friends couldn’t care less if my outfit didn’t align with theirs. Friendship isn’t a performance.
Do the internal work
So, how do we avoid copy-pasting and getting overwhelmed by trends? At the end of the day, I believe that having style boils down to having strong references and interpreting them in your own way. I can’t remember where I read this, but someone once said that to have good taste, you need to be curious about things outside of fashion.
To go back to that Chuck Palahniuk quote, it’s not possible to be 100% original. The most stylish people I know draw inspiration from books, film, art, architecture, street style, and random conversations that have nothing to do with the runway. While it feeds many of us to stay up to date with the latest campaigns and collections, simple acts such as flipping through your personal archives, browsing through a vintage store, or saving boards on Pinterest, as Kevin Robles of Style Beat mentioned in his last newsletter, does wonders to help you recenter. “That’s how cultures work and continue to work—through constant borrowing and reinterpretation,” my sister, an avid consumer of culture, said nonchalantly.
“I don’t recall ever feeling that my friends and I dressed too similarly. Maybe it’s because they each have a strong sense of style. They’ve really owned their looks throughout the years,“ my friend who talked about Paris earlier mentioned. We agreed that people with the strongest sense of style (and self) comes from both looking around and looking inward. It is a fun, never-ending process.
I can’t stop thinking about…
I usually share number of links with you guys in this section, but all I can think about is Harris Dickinson as the new face of Rhode’s Glazing Mist
Oh, and the weather in Paris. It was 32 degrees yesterday—hotter than Manila!
Lastly, some feedback on last week’s letter:
xx
Such an insightful take on how fashion can reflect both individuality and the desire to belong. Love the emphasis on not just following trends but really understanding and interpreting them for yourself. Definitely resonates with the constant balancing act of staying true to your style while also being influenced by those around you!
OMG you also saw Claire’s Knee 💗